(no subject)
Mar. 22nd, 2012 02:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alas_a_llamaI am exhausted.
Musings. Please be warned that there's stuff about strokes and stroke victims, and brain damage in general, and probably depression here - if that's triggering for anybody, and certainly it may be for quite a few people on my flist, then avoiding this post is a good idea, I think.
I'm hoping to write fic soon? And there's new Garo Makai Senki tonight, so cheerful posts yet to come.
A close friend today mentioned that her father had a stroke last weekend. I was - unsure what to say, to be honest, although it sounds like her father is recovering extremely well, which is always good.
In a way, in another situation, I might be able to give a 'I hope he gets better' and helpful advice. But I can't, because I'm not in another situation, and I don't want to be a liar. I know that 'getting better' even with a quick recovery, only goes so far.
A week or two ago? Maybe? I vanished out of chat a few times because I was in a fairly dim place, and one of those times was when people were discussing their fathers. Which was painful, somewhat, but it was better to leave chat than demand they stop, because it's unreasonable to suggest that people tiptoe around you, or moderate what they say for your feelings.
Someone pinged me to ask if I was okay. I explained to them. The response - and it's a perfectly reasonable, good response, for reasons which I will get onto in a moment - was sympathy, and also to ask that they thought my father was doing all right? Which is a totally fair enough thing to ask. That is what I've been saying. It is true, he is doing all right. Is it not, then, reasonable to assume that by 'all right', I do in fact mean 'all right', and to be confused when I react in a way that one does not usually react towards something that is 'all right'?
There can be no doubt here that the failing is mine. It is not a serious failing, nor is it one I especially regret, but it is what it is and there's little point in trying to pretend it's anything else.
It's just that 'all right' has taken on a somewhat different meaning in this regard. 'All right' means that he's happy enough, and can drive and get around mostly unaided, and can be communicated with at least to a degree. But it also means that a guy whose physical strength used to be staggering now has trouble climbing the stairs. It means that a guy who could speak three languages fluently and, when he bothered to talk at length, could orate eloquently and compellingly in all three of them, on politics, language, history, philosophy, literature - who my sister and I spent our childhoods debating with - can only communicate in noises and jumbled sentences, provided he even remembers the words he wanted to say and not the baffling free association alternatives his brain has come up with. It means that someone whose life revolved around his work, in whatever form, is now unemployed.
He isn't getting better any more. This, I think, is as far as it goes - it is the state of affairs that must be worked with, and hoping for any improvement is nice, but pointless. It is a distracting factor where none is needed.
So I can't comfort my friend and tell them it will be all right. Because I don't believe it to be true - and I can see that she's still in the stage I was just after my father had a stroke, where there is belief there that there could be a full recovery. Which is possible. But it also isn't likely.
I've been up all day on two hours sleep, fueling myself on Lucozade, vanilla lattes (*cough* Totally manly drink, you guys), and Relentless. I think I'm going to see about circumstances being willing to allow me a nap, but that depends a lot on my flatmate being able to practice some self-discipline and responsibility.
Aha. Ha. Urgh.
Iiii'm not switching off comments for this, as I might usually do for a post like this. But if for this post we could take hugs, heart shapes, cwtches and variants thereof as acknowledged without needing to be expressed through commenting, that would be to the benefit of all involved, I think.
Musings. Please be warned that there's stuff about strokes and stroke victims, and brain damage in general, and probably depression here - if that's triggering for anybody, and certainly it may be for quite a few people on my flist, then avoiding this post is a good idea, I think.
I'm hoping to write fic soon? And there's new Garo Makai Senki tonight, so cheerful posts yet to come.
A close friend today mentioned that her father had a stroke last weekend. I was - unsure what to say, to be honest, although it sounds like her father is recovering extremely well, which is always good.
In a way, in another situation, I might be able to give a 'I hope he gets better' and helpful advice. But I can't, because I'm not in another situation, and I don't want to be a liar. I know that 'getting better' even with a quick recovery, only goes so far.
A week or two ago? Maybe? I vanished out of chat a few times because I was in a fairly dim place, and one of those times was when people were discussing their fathers. Which was painful, somewhat, but it was better to leave chat than demand they stop, because it's unreasonable to suggest that people tiptoe around you, or moderate what they say for your feelings.
Someone pinged me to ask if I was okay. I explained to them. The response - and it's a perfectly reasonable, good response, for reasons which I will get onto in a moment - was sympathy, and also to ask that they thought my father was doing all right? Which is a totally fair enough thing to ask. That is what I've been saying. It is true, he is doing all right. Is it not, then, reasonable to assume that by 'all right', I do in fact mean 'all right', and to be confused when I react in a way that one does not usually react towards something that is 'all right'?
There can be no doubt here that the failing is mine. It is not a serious failing, nor is it one I especially regret, but it is what it is and there's little point in trying to pretend it's anything else.
It's just that 'all right' has taken on a somewhat different meaning in this regard. 'All right' means that he's happy enough, and can drive and get around mostly unaided, and can be communicated with at least to a degree. But it also means that a guy whose physical strength used to be staggering now has trouble climbing the stairs. It means that a guy who could speak three languages fluently and, when he bothered to talk at length, could orate eloquently and compellingly in all three of them, on politics, language, history, philosophy, literature - who my sister and I spent our childhoods debating with - can only communicate in noises and jumbled sentences, provided he even remembers the words he wanted to say and not the baffling free association alternatives his brain has come up with. It means that someone whose life revolved around his work, in whatever form, is now unemployed.
He isn't getting better any more. This, I think, is as far as it goes - it is the state of affairs that must be worked with, and hoping for any improvement is nice, but pointless. It is a distracting factor where none is needed.
So I can't comfort my friend and tell them it will be all right. Because I don't believe it to be true - and I can see that she's still in the stage I was just after my father had a stroke, where there is belief there that there could be a full recovery. Which is possible. But it also isn't likely.
I've been up all day on two hours sleep, fueling myself on Lucozade, vanilla lattes (*cough* Totally manly drink, you guys), and Relentless. I think I'm going to see about circumstances being willing to allow me a nap, but that depends a lot on my flatmate being able to practice some self-discipline and responsibility.
Aha. Ha. Urgh.
Iiii'm not switching off comments for this, as I might usually do for a post like this. But if for this post we could take hugs, heart shapes, cwtches and variants thereof as acknowledged without needing to be expressed through commenting, that would be to the benefit of all involved, I think.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-22 05:12 pm (UTC)(But this is not to say in anyway that I should have known, that you were under any obligation to tell me, quite obviously. And I'm possibly projecting a tone that wasn't there on the person who checked up on you, but "...but I thought your father was doing alright!" often comes across as defensive, and that bothers me. You're not under obligation to change your reaction according to your father's current health.
On rereading, I think I definitely am projecting onto that person. But I leave my response there.)
Anyway, I realise that *hugs* are a given, but I wanted to say that I read this, and I'm thinking of you. And I hope you managed to get a good nap. Take care of yourself, hon.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-22 07:47 pm (UTC)Not to worry, I have not been talking about it much. I strongly suspect a lot of people don't know, which is okay - it isn't anyone's responsibility to keep apprised of these things. There's seriously nothing to apologise for here, although I appreciate it anyway.
(I will note that the person who checked up on me wasn't being defensive - I'm as close to completely certain about that as I tend to get about anything.)
My water tastes of coffee. This glass, I think, needs further washing.
Anyway, thanks. :) I appreciate that you took the time to comment, it means a lot to me.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-22 07:49 pm (UTC)Glad you had a functional nap! Go and wash your glass.
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Date: 2012-03-22 08:40 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2012-03-22 09:26 pm (UTC)