(no subject)
Mar. 28th, 2012 04:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alas_a_llamaHaving another downturn.
In theory, this one's been building for a few weeks. It's - worse than all the others? I can cope with self-harming, and I can cope with feeling suicidal, and I can even cope with panic attacks. This downturn isn't too intense, but it's always there, and kind of eating away at me (lulz, cliches).
I'm so exhausted with living. I don't even especially want to commit suicide, it's just that if it were to come to a natural end, that'd be okay. It's not interesting me anymore, it's just slow and stressful and boring, and even the stress is just dull, because I've been stressed over it all before. Everything feels like such a dull, lifeless grind.
It doesn't help at all that everything feels so slow. It's like living in a world full of people who don't know how to use self-service checkout machines, but all of the time. It feels like everybody moves at a snail's pace.
Tomorrow I'll make a doctor's appointment. If not, Thursday - Thursday I have work, and I walk past the surgery on my way there. There probably won't be a free slot for at least a week, which is okay. This isn't like other downturns, where if I don't do something now, I feel like I'll fly off the deep end, or commit suicide. I can wait this one out.
In the meantime - bananas. First thing tomorrow. Lots of them. Potassium poisoning can be fun. Increasing my workout routine by as much as I can without my limbs falling off, because that helps with mood. Fic, mayhaps.
I need an icon for this DW account.
In theory, this one's been building for a few weeks. It's - worse than all the others? I can cope with self-harming, and I can cope with feeling suicidal, and I can even cope with panic attacks. This downturn isn't too intense, but it's always there, and kind of eating away at me (lulz, cliches).
I'm so exhausted with living. I don't even especially want to commit suicide, it's just that if it were to come to a natural end, that'd be okay. It's not interesting me anymore, it's just slow and stressful and boring, and even the stress is just dull, because I've been stressed over it all before. Everything feels like such a dull, lifeless grind.
It doesn't help at all that everything feels so slow. It's like living in a world full of people who don't know how to use self-service checkout machines, but all of the time. It feels like everybody moves at a snail's pace.
Tomorrow I'll make a doctor's appointment. If not, Thursday - Thursday I have work, and I walk past the surgery on my way there. There probably won't be a free slot for at least a week, which is okay. This isn't like other downturns, where if I don't do something now, I feel like I'll fly off the deep end, or commit suicide. I can wait this one out.
In the meantime - bananas. First thing tomorrow. Lots of them. Potassium poisoning can be fun. Increasing my workout routine by as much as I can without my limbs falling off, because that helps with mood. Fic, mayhaps.
I need an icon for this DW account.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-28 09:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 02:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 02:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 04:29 pm (UTC)I hope you managed to get an appointment.